Silly-Go-Round

I’ve known all along that healing would be a difficult process and that breaking things off was the right thing to do for both of us. What I didn’t know is how much I would appreciate what I have now and who I am now, which have both come about as a result of growing from my experiences with him and from my experiences after I cut him from my life. 

Fear of change sometimes prevents people from making the right decision. Fear of change made me hold onto a stagnating relationship a year longer than I should have. But change, despite how painful it was when it was finally forced upon me, eventually made me realize that I had been missing out on so much. I’ve grown closer to my friends and family, discovered more about myself, and learned that you can heal after a fall. 

I’ve come along way since last summer. He still crosses my mind at least a few times each day, but I’m content with where I am now. No more feelings of saudade or struggling to find happiness in all its fleeting elusiveness. I think I have found happiness, and it’ll keep me company for at least some time longer. 

Those were yesterday’s feelings.

Saudade 35

I promised myself that I wouldn’t look at his gaming forum or our mutual friends’ Facebook profiles to avoid seeing information that would hurt my feelings, but I broke that promise often. My resolve is terribly weak when it comes to him. I used to go on his gaming forum every couple of days. He had one post about our break up, but aside from that, his posts were fairly innocuous. I suppose I lurked on his forum because, even though he would usually talk about gaming-related things, I still wanted to know what he was up to, how he was doing.

He made a post about Accutane and how one of the side effects was that his aggression spiked—his relations with his family became strained and he would get mad at friends and at people he loved. He said would get angry at things he normally wouldn’t, but XMX was someone he could never be angry at. (It feels strange that I’m not that person anymore.) In another post, there was a cute drawing they made together on some program that allowed people to draw on the same picture at the same time but on different computers. I also made the mistake of looking at his sister’s Facebook. Her status said that she was going to Ikea with her family, one of her friends, and XMX.

Whenever I saw these types of things, I felt like I was getting impaled through the chest. I kept setting myself up to feel miserable. So I haven’t looked at anything related to him in several weeks, and it’s been much better. The last time he called, I told him I would prefer if he didn’t contact me for a couple months until I was over him. That was early September. I’ve gotten to the point where, if he did call, I don’t think I’d answer the phone simply because I don’t feel like talking to him.

Regardless, I still think about him a lot, not for most of the day anymore, but intermittently throughout the day. He and XMX seem so close and happy. He’s replaced me with someone infinitely better for him, and a part of me wants to be happy for him, but whenever I think about the two of them, I just get really uncomfortable and sad.

Next Friday is what would be our three year anniversary. I’m a little afraid.

Saudade 34

He sent me a text two weeks ago. He said he was “sorry for everything” and felt awful. He also said he missed having me as a friend and hoped that someday I’d forgive him. 

I didn’t reply back. I couldn’t think of anything I could say that wouldn’t sound like I’m still hung up on him. I’m not quite sure why he decided to text me. It seemed like it was coming out of nowhere because we haven’t had any contact in two weeks. He did a pretty good job moving on, especially when XMX came along, so I assumed that he would have kept that up and not thought about me enough to arrive at the conclusion that he should apologize. 

An apology is nice in that it shows he realized that he was wrong. He did sound like he was genuinely sorry, though “sorry for everything” is kinda vague. I’m not sure what exactly he’s sorry for. Does he really mean absolutely everything? Or was he referring to all the things he did during the time we were together? The whole XIX incident after we broke up? Or everything with XMX? Probably not the last one. He may not like that I feel hurt, but he thinks he made the right decision in asking XMX out. Per usual, his feelings precede over mine. But is that okay? After all, we aren’t together anymore so he has no obligation to handle my feelings with care. He’s free to focus solely on himself. 

Say he did apologize for asking out XMX when he did. Okay, you can say sorry for that kind of thing, but how can you apologize for getting over someone so fast and for having feelings for another girl? How can you apologize for how you feel? You can’t always control feelings.

I feel so confused. I still don’t know whether or not it’s perfectly reasonable of him to start going out with another girl a month after we broke up. My perspective, as well as XAX’s, will always be biased. I asked my friends what their opinions are, but they’re going to be at least somewhat biased too because they’re my friends. Either way, I know I’m going to have to accept that they’re together now, but I don’t know whether I should feel bad for thinking he was wrong to do that or whether my feelings are justified. 

Saudade 33

It was stupid of me to think that things would work out between us. I should have known better. I did know better. I knew the kind of person he was and the kind of person I was, and based on that alone, it’s obvious we weren’t meant to be together. I just didn’t end things because there were things I liked about him that I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find in anyone else. I was too comfortable. I didn’t want to have to start over with someone new and build everything up from scratch. And I loved him. That was a major reason. But because I loved him, I should have done what was best for him a long time ago. I should have let him go.